


her senior year

by roguewanda



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: F/M, M/M, connor/evan is kind of implied but i wrote this with them dating in mind, really really vague mention of connor’s suicide attempt, some zoejared fluff, zoe is reflecting over her senior year basically, zoe’s senior year
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-18
Updated: 2020-05-18
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:41:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24259072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roguewanda/pseuds/roguewanda
Summary: zoe murphy does some reflecting.
Relationships: Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, Jared Kleinman/Zoe Murphy
Kudos: 29





	her senior year

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this at maybe 2am in march and it has since then been sitting unedited until now. 
> 
> this whole thing only came into creation because i tried writing like three other things about zoe (and jared) only to give up on those and settle on this. 
> 
> to be fair, this was honestly kind of a minor character study into zoe before i started working on a longer deh fic that i hope to finish soon.
> 
> enjoy :)

Zoe Murphy liked to think she had already faced a lot in her few years of life. 

She’d been through her first steps, her first words, her first friends. She had already faced the unknown that was middle school and had already gone through the first few years of a turbulent womanhood. She had her first kiss, her first boyfriend, her first breakup. She had even faced the biting anger that was her brother, the coldness of her father, and the hopelessness of her mother. Zoe Murphy was screamed at, threatened, and frightened by her own brother, the one person she idolized as a child and the one person she had once thought would always be by her side.

When she nearly lost him her junior year, Zoe Murphy thought she faced more than she needed to. 

Foolishly, Zoe thought her senior year would be her break, her big vacation. She thought it would be the year she and Connor were on even ground, the year she wasn’t  _ just _ Connor Murphy’s sister, the year where she’d flourish in band and turn in her college applications with a smile. The year she had hopeful spirits she might even get accepted into Julliard and have a nice, simple Christmas where her family had a civil dinner with laughs and smiles. 

Senior year was supposed to be her year and, so far, she had gotten her wish.

Connor wasn’t planning to go to some fancy college like she was; one night he admitted he didn’t even know what he was going to do. This didn’t deter their parents, however, and, before she knew it, they had gotten under his skin and Zoe woke up one day to be told Connor had decided he was going to attend community college for a year to gain some credits. She thought it was a great idea, but it didn’t stop Connor from wanting to scream and tear the house down for two days. 

It took Connor sheepishly asking Zoe if she wanted to paint his nails before he admitted he was actually looking forward to whatever college experience he got in the next year. The only reason he lashed out, he told her, was yet fact he felt like no one let him decide. 

Zoe knew that was an issue her mom and dad had to work on. She knew first hand how quick they were to control seemingly every movement and decision Connor made, or even what she did sometimes. 

Maybe one day, she hoped, they’d find a middle ground where Connor wasn’t pissed and her parents weren’t on his ass about everything. 

But, for now, that was the closest she and Connor had been in a long, long time. Sure, nothing was fixed between them but maybe, just maybe, one day it would be. 

Zoe knew, though, that, a year ago? Connor wouldn’t have even let their parents finish their sentence before he was out the door, not to return until the early hours of the morning where Zoe would hear the floorboards creak and Connor curse at each step. 

Once, she would have been terrified at the sound. She would have been shaking, afraid he’d be pounding on her door again and screaming at her as she tried not to cry, that any moment her dad would be tearing Connor off her door and down the hall as her mom tried to get her to open the door with soft spoken words.

Now? Now Zoe only found it funny that he thought he was slick enough to sneak in soundlessly, as if he ever did. Now, Zoe Murphy would lean out her door and try not to laugh when her brother nearly jumped a foot in the air when he heard the creak of her door. 

A year ago, Zoe would pray that Connor would go as far away as he could the moment he graduated. Today, she found herself...happy that he was home, even if it was for just a bit longer. 

So, after her first day of her senior year, she found Connor Murphy sitting on the hood of her car, a car that was once both of theirs, where he told her they were getting ice cream ( _ “It’s your first day of your senior year, Zoe! We’ve gotta celebrate it! You’ve already had less of a shitty first day than I had.” _ ). 

Zoe didn’t think she’d ever be happy to see Connor more than she was required to, better yet to spend an afternoon with him. 

That afternoon ended with the sun setting as they stumbled into their house, startling their mother who already had her phone in her hand as if ready to dial up the cops for a search party. Her stilted, awkward welcoming had broken whatever semblance of happiness they had created for the day, sending Connor retreating back into his room and Zoe silently setting the table for dinner. 

They weren’t perfect still, never would be, but she would take it one afternoon at a time. 

But, then, there was his attendance at her band concerts. 

Zoe didn’t think he had ever been to one of her concerts willingly before. 

She didn’t think he was going to show up, not really. There was still a part of her that cried and screamed, crashing against her heart, that Connor hated her and that she should hate him too. Why would he even want to go to one of her concerts when all he ever did for years was pound on her door when she played too loud or deny any invitation to her concerts in middle school? 

Behind the curtains, she stood, fidgeting, with the nerves of her first show of the year. Some of her bandmates tried to console her, but it was all fruitless. Somehow, she managed to gather enough courage to step onto stage with a bright smile, convincing herself that she was nearly an adult so why should she be so panicked about doing something she loved? 

She powered through it and everything around her melted away, just for a moment. 

It wasn’t until everyone was scattered about the building and rushing to the parking lot that she realized her family was even there. She saw her mother from across the room and was already halfway there when she saw the looming, out of place figure next to her. 

When she stood in front of her mother, she wanted to pinch herself because there was no part in her mind that believed Connor had shown up— that Connor had willingly showed up and listened and paid attention to her play even though she knew he  _ hated _ these things and that he was forced to drive with her parents. 

Zoe felt like it was the first time in a while she really had her brother back. 

It sounded dumb,  _ so _ dumb, in her head. Why would him showing up to something any family would go to matter? Why was that the catalyst? 

She didn’t know, really. Maybe it was just the idea he was even there to be in the presence of Zoe or that he actually remembered the date or that he smiled and said she did great the moment he saw her. 

That night she wanted to laugh at how low the bar seemed to be for Connor. 

He didn’t stop after that. 

He seemed to make it his mission to come to every one of her concerts without fail and, when she offhandedly mentioned she had a solo, even asked her for the date and time before she could offer. 

Connor, she noticed, even became civil with their parents. He still took to calling their dad by his name, which Zoe knew grated on their mother’s nerves, but she knew he was trying. Once, Connor even joined him in the living room as he watched some old movie, something he never did before. The tension was evident in the room, but, at dinner the next day, something felt lighter. 

He snapped at their mom less now, too, and Zoe could hear her whisper on the phone to her sister about how happy she was to see Connor smile more. 

They even gave him back his car, the old and broken down shit pile of a truck that had been taking up room in the garage ever since he turned seventeen and got a DUI. 

Connor seemed floored despite it’s condition. 

That was something else she noticed, though. 

He smiled more, more than he had in years. 

She wanted to say she helped, maybe their mom too, but she knew the nervous blond that she saw Connor talking to out on the porch one warm afternoon had to have helped. 

Connor had friends, a support system. 

The most shocking of all was when Larry and Cynthia Murphy sat their children down and told them of their plans for Connor. 

Zoe had anticipated a blow out, a screaming match where she’d end up in her room with her headphones on full blast wishing everything was like when they were kids. She saw the way Connor curled his fingers around his chair, watched as his knuckles turned white and his jaw ticked. 

But the news shocked him, and Zoe too. 

They finally broke down and realized Connor needed help that they couldn’t provide or ignore. 

Help that he had been wanting, asking for, for years. 

For the first time in far too long, maybe for the first time ever, members of the Murphy household had wet eyes for reasons other than stifling anger. 

So, Zoe’s senior year had been pretty good so far. Her brother was slowly but surely stepping back into her life and her parents no longer saw him as a threat to the world, a world where he felt like a burden. She got the first solo of the year and even booked a few gigs around town to play her songs. 

She felt giddy for Christmas for the first time in years. 

She felt giddy for other reasons, too.

Reasons like Jared Kleinman. 

Zoe didn’t get it, really. She never knew him before her junior year, only ever seeing him as she went down the hall talking to another jazz band kid. She only knew who he was when she found Evan Hansen sitting on her porch and found out Connor somehow befriended one of the nicest kids she ever talked to. 

Evan was a senior, like her brother, and was such an anxious mess Zoe didn’t even know what to do when he started rambling. He had blond hair that seemed to glow in the sun like Rapunzel, an uneven tan on his arms, and an array of blue polos her brother seemed to find endearing. 

She met Jared Kleinman when Connor needed a ride to Evan Hansen’s house. 

She’d been in the middle of trying to fix the chorus to a song when Connor knocked on her door and peeked his head in. The only reason she even agreed was because she thought her head was going to explode if she had to try and figure out what word rhymes with passion. 

She scraped the song anyways, but at least it wasn’t a waste of a Saturday in the end. 

The only reason Zoe even got out of her car at Evan’s house was because Connor left his phone plugged in on her console. She had rolled her eyes and stepped out onto the pavement, ready to knock and make some remark about being an airhead when the door swung open. 

Jared Kleinman was annoying, brash, and nearly slammed into Zoe the moment they met, which he hadn’t bothered apologizing for. Instead, he leaned back into the house and yelled something about “picking a Murphy” before looking at Zoe, saying he “had to motor”, before he was off into the wind.

Or, well, more like his mom’s minivan that was parked down the street. 

She didn’t think much of it until Evan timidly asked if she wanted to join Connor and him after school on a trip to whatever convenience store down the street the two had apparently fallen into the trap of. 

Band practice had been cancelled so she figured, “Why not?”

Her “why not?” turned out to be an afternoon of cheap gummy bears, tree facts, and one Jared Kleinman turning red after Zoe jokingly complimented his “geeky charm”. 

Zoe Murphy didn’t think she’d ever find someone so brash to be who she was willing to go to homecoming with and spend her New Years night with, but, suddenly, Jared Kleinman was sitting at her dining room table facing Larry and Cynthia Murphy and acting as if he had been thrown to the bears by the hand of his own girlfriend with a bold question mark at the end. 

_ Zoe hadn’t been planning on inviting Jared over. In fact, she didn’t think she’d ever want Jared over when there was any risk of anyone but Connor being home. Even then, it wasn’t like she wanted her brother around when she had her kinda-maybe-boyfriend over.  _

_ To anyone’s eye, no one could tell they had yet to have any sort of relationship talk. She just knew Jared was the guy she sometimes kissed and would be willing to go to prom with (if he got the balls to ask). He was even the guy who showed up to her concerts despite having a weird love-hate relationship with Connor and fear of even seeing Larry Murphy in the same room as him.  _

_ Of course he ended up meeting her dad when she happened to bring him over with less than ideal intentions that would make Connor cackle and her mom jaw slacked.  _

_ Zoe picked at her plate with her fork. She could practically feel Jared bouncing his leg next to her.  _

_ Cynthia looked around the table amongst the silence before placing her silverware down and pinning Jared down with her gaze. She was smiling, sure, but Zoe doubted Jared would last long even if she was the “nicer” parent.  _

_ “So,” Cynthia began. “How do you know Zoe, Jared?”  _

_ Zoe thought Jared deliberately took his time chewing.  _

_ Jared looked over at Zoe before looking back at Cynthia. “Ah, well,” he started and, if his tone didn’t seem in any way suspicious, Zoe would think she’d have gone deaf. She nearly sighed in despair. “My friend, Evan, is friends with Connor, right? And, so, I was at Evan’s house after school when all of a sudden your son bursts in like Evan’s knight in shining armor. So, I decided to beat it which is when I nearly ran into Zoe at the door.”  _

_ Cynthia looked like she was expecting more, but Jared didn’t continue. She smiled, nonetheless. “Oh, well, that’s quite the meeting, isn’t it?” Her laugh felt kind of empty.  _

_ Jared smiled back. “Yeah, I mean I graduated the same year as Connor so it’s not like we share classes or anything,” he reasoned. “Besides, I wasn’t really in any electives or anything like Zoe so it’s unlikely we would have met any earlier, but, I mean, I kinda knew who she was because of jazz band.” _

_ Cynthia lit up like a Christmas tree. “Oh, were you in jazz band?”  _

_ Zoe wanted to melt into her chair.  _

_ Jared shook his head, almost took eagerly. “Oh, no, no,” he repeated, laughing almost nervously. “My friend, uh, Evan, he liked seeing the concerts sometimes and, if you attend enough you kinda catch wind of who’s who, especially if they’re such a star like Zoe.”  _

_ Zoe kind of wished Connor was home just so he could divert some attention off her.  _

_ There was a moment of silence where no one seemed sure of what to do, so Zoe laughed a bit to cut Jared some slack.  _

_ It didn’t really work.  _

_ Larry cleared his throat and Zoe was pretty sure Jared was about to faint. Larry placed his napkin down and, once again, Jared was pinned under the gaze of another Murphy. “Are you in college, yet?” He asked after a moment.  _

_ Now it was Jared’s turn to light up. “Kind of, actually,” he answered. “I’m planning to head off to MIT next year.”  _

_ Larry, thankfully, seemed pleased with his answer. “MIT?” He relayed, nodding a bit to himself as if taking note. “Impressive...what’re you planning to study?” _

_ “I’m planning to do something in the computer realm,” Jared told him and Zoe would have stomped on his foot for his vagueness if she could.  _

_ Cynthia smiled. “That sounds great, Jared.” _

_ After that, Zoe figured to call it a night won.  _

_ Zoe sighed as she shut her door, ignoring the call from her mother about no closed doors. She followed Jared’s steps and fell down onto her bed next to him, hand seeking out his and grasping it tight. After a moment, she turned her head towards him, only to find his gaze already on her.  _

_ She smiled sheepishly. “I’m sorry about them,” she told him. “I didn’t think they’d be home yet.”  _

_ Jared shrugged. “Don’t worry about it, Zo,” he insisted, his smile oddly warm. “I mean, the whole meeting the parents thing was bound to come eventually, right?”  _

_ Zoe was kinda floored at his admission.  _

_ It didn’t sound like a big deal really, not to anyone who wasn’t Zoe, but to her? It solidified that Jared saw what they had as more than just some high school experiment before he left for college.  _

_ Or maybe that was her hopeful thinking. _

_ Either way, her heart swelled.  _

_ She laughed, an airy sounding thing as she looked up at her ceiling. She still had some old glow in the dark stars pinned up. “Yeah, you’re right,” she said. “Guess all that’s left is your folks, then?”  _

_ Jared blew out a breath, making Zoe nudge her shoulder up to rub at her ear as Jared chuckled. “Yeah, true,” he told her. “They’ll love you, though. You’re like, what they’d have wanted for a daughter—“ he paused. “Just like, not Jewish.”  _

_ Zoe shook her head and laughed. After a moment, she turned back to Jared.  _

_ In that moment of silence, Zoe Murphy realized she was actually happy.  _

Weird,  _ she thought, humorously.  _

_ Without a word, Zoe leaned over and pressed a kiss to Jared’s cheek. “Thank you,” she mumbled once she pulled back. “Really.”  _

_ Jared, at least, had the decency to turn red. “Zo,” he started, but she was quick to cut him off. She sat up on her arm and placed a hand over Jared’s cheek. Her own cheeks were starting to ache from her grin.  _

_ She nearly laughed at the way Jared squirmed when her hair slipped off her shoulder and tickled his skin.  _

_ Zoe Murphy didn’t think she deserved this.  _

_ She leaned down and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips.  _

_ But she’ll take it.  _

Maybe there were times when Connor still got worked up and had to cool down in his room and maybe their parents got on his case too much and what if everyone sometimes stretched Zoe’s nerves too thin.

She still found that, in the end, they were better than they were before. Recovery wasn’t easy, she knew, and it never would be an easy slope for Connor. But she wasn’t terrified of her own brother anymore and she felt safe and secure enough to find a place in her heart for Jared. 

She was still scared her brother would run from the rest of the Murphy clan after his year at college, and there was plenty of fear that thrummed in her body at the idea of Jared calling her one day just to say he wanted to cut her loose. 

Yet, here she was.

Zoe Murphy was graduating, happier than she had been in years.

She knew her parents were out in the audience.

She knew Connor was next to them.

She knew Jared was elbowing Connor in his side to annoy him even though they both knew he was just nervous as he waited for Zoe’s name to be called. 

She knew Evan Hansen was right by Connor’s other side, holding his hand tight whenever the crowds got too boisterous. 

Zoe Murphy decided, then and there, her senior year wasn’t half bad.


End file.
